Lust and passion

After the non-meeting at the weekend I told my daughter L that I needed a night of lust and passion, especially as I have not exerienced a night like that before. I wanted to know what it would be like and whether I was capable of a night like that. Well now I have had the experience and know the answer to my capability in that department of relationships.

I have just had the most amazing 25 hours with a man. The best time I have ever had. And no matter what happens from here, I will treasure the memories of those hours for ever. I had no idea how different this would be from any previous experience. I hoped it would be so from chats we had had over the last two weeks. yet I was not prepared for how wonderful it would be in reality.

I met D at the train station at 1pm. As the train came in I took a deep breath and thought here I go. As soon as D stepped off the train I knew it would all be well. He looked good and was smiling, while helping an elderly lady off the train. He came over to me and we hugged, kissed, and hugged again. It felt so natural, it was easy.

As it was raining, we walked to the hotel, each with an umbrella while chatting. The walk took 15 minutes. D booked in for the room and we had to wait for 10 minutes or so while housekeeping finished up. We sat on a love seat in the lobby and held hands and kissed. It was a romantic moment, the first of many. We took our bags up to the room on the third floor - all stairs. After stowing bags and things we decided the weather was dry enough to go across the meadows for a walk and a picnic. I had bought some crackers, cheese and grapes to eat.

Leaving

I have decided that I am not returning to Maine. I feel so at home here in England with my family close by that I want and need to remain here. I am freer and developing my own life here for the last 2 years.

After returning to Maine for 3 months, and then coming back I now know this is the right place for me to be. I loved living in Maine and have a lovely home there, as well as some good friends. Yet this last time I was fully aware of how much I wanted to be home in England.

Now I have a decision to make about my marriage. While in Maine for the 3 months I felt that L and I were like two old friends sharing a house. There was no hugging, kisses, touch. Just a quiet calm.

So the question is, do i leave both Maine and my husband? Or do I leave Maine only and continue in a marriage over here? My gut feeling is that I need to leave both. Now I ahve to do it.

I am in effect away from both now. So the leaving part is done and I am in control as to whether or not I fly back. What I can not control is how my husband will react or respond to my telling heim our marriage is over. Ideally for me, he will accept it and already know in his heart that this the case. If not, he may come over to see me and that would be the worst scenario. Time will tell.

I will not be writing on here tomorrow evening as I will probably be staying in a hotel in town with my friend from Dorset. That's another complication that has cropped up in the last couple of weeks, completely unexpectedly. More in 2 days time on that one!

Breast feeding

My daughter is breast-feeding her new baby, who is 1 week old today. Breast-feeding is protrayed as a bonding and wonderful experience. While this is true, there are aspects to breast-feeding, partucularly in the early weeks, that can be difficult and cause not so nice outcomes. Although these difficulties can be overcome, without good support from family, friends and midwives it can be easy to give up on the whole process and resort to bottles.

The baby had no trouble latching onto the breast and establishing a good sucking motion. Once the milk started coming in, my daughter found that she could feed the baby very well with her left breast. The right breast gave her a lot of pain and became extremely hard and sore to the touch. The nipple was sore and had a couple of blisters on the side. L became depressed over her difficulties with feeding and worried that she would not be able to give the baby enough milk from one breast only, and felt she was failing her baby if she gave up breast-feeding.

Fortunately, the midwife came round to do the foot print of the baby. L talked to her about her problems. The midwife was supportive and gave some excellent advice about massaging the breast to soften it up before expressing the milk with a breast pump. This is to be done each time the baby feeds on the other breast. Any milk can be either frozen or kept in the fridge. After a couple of days, L can try feeding on that breast and see how she gets on with it.

So far, it is working. L has expressed 3 small bottles of milk and has a much softer breast. A lot of the pain has subsided and she was talking about trying the baby on the brease this evening. She is also using nipple shields while feeding and they are helping the soreness and cracks in the nipples heal.

So all is tending towards a positive outcome after a few sessions of tears and lack of confidence in her ability to carry on.

Men and babies

My weekend of lust and passion did not happen. I had thought it was going too quickly and too well. My beau postponed his visit this weekend as his father, who has cancer, had a bad spell overnight and needed D today as well. This is fine. I would rather D stayed home with his father at this difficult time than made the trip here, then worried he could not get back if anything happened. We can get together another time and will continue talking on Skype to become more familiar with each other. By the time we meet, we will know each other so well.

My granddaughter has been having a bad evening. She woke up around 9 pm for a feed and did not go back to sleep. She seems to be hungry all the time, and wants food every hour. We thought she had gone to sleep at 1:30, so she was put in her moses basket and we all prepared for bed. 20 minutes later she was awake and crying again. Eventually she will go to sleep and by then we will all be so tired and snappy.

Tiredness

I have felt tireder today than I have known for a long time. I am wiped out and ready to sleep at any moment. My eyes are so heavy they weigh me down. my head throbs with the need for rest. I am snappy and cold.

Sleep deprivation is an underestimated health issue. new mothers can get depressed through lack of sleep, and I am suffering now for late nights and very early mornings. So tonight i intend on getting to bed and sleeping by midnight. And no 5 am waking. I will sleep for at least 7 hours so I am fit for whatever the weekend brings.

Love online

I am wondering if it is possible to fall in love with someone online, before meeting face to face. I am thinking that my Skype man is geting to feel a bit too strongly about me, and I am not sure I am ready for another full-blown relationship at the moment.

Perhaps this will be a long distance affair, as he lives about 4 hours away from here. Each of us could take it in turns to travel to see the other maybe twice a month. We would both have the freedom of being single while having the pleasure of being in a relationship. Romance is not dead in my life at the moment, even though I have a husband in the US who is wanting me to return there and help earn an income. Now that relationship is another story.

As for ths one, I will have to wait and see. i can make my reports and observations in here as it goes along - if it goes along after we meet.

Taking a chance

Yesterday I was thinking about hearts and minds controlling emotions. Today it is all about taking chances in life and whether it is possible to assess the risks involved before embarking on a course of action.

I am contemplating jumping out of my comfort zone completely by meeting a man I have only known on here and Skype. He has seduced me, which is lovely as we are not together. I want to be seduced and to seduce in the flesh, physically, totally. Just to see if I can and how it feels. I have not done this before as I have always thought myself to be non-sexual, in control, not letting myself go. Now I have a chance to be a sensual, uninhibited lover and I want to do it. I will be fantastic, it will be fantastic, he will be fantastic.

I have to do something soon, as my insides are constantly churning and I am feeling in a state of arousal at all times of the day. I am building up for one big release. Only if I take the chance and just let it all go, and be myself. Do what I feel like doing without thinking about whether he will want me to do it or not, or whether I will be any good. Do it and be happy. The worst that can happen is I will get one chance only and never repeat it. At least I will be satisfied that I gave it my best shot and I will have some wonderful memories.

Heartache

Is it possible to have heartache over someone you do not know and have never met and do not love? I wonder what makes us think in terms of the heart rather than the mind and how we respond to situations.

Do our irrational emotions control our lives or is it better to keep emotions held tight inside where they can not wreak the havoc that they are capable of unleashing? I am pondering these questions this evening as I think about the last few days and how I am feeling. The birth of my granddaughter, the seductive talk, and today the silence. What is another person thinking when they do not make any contact, or send a few words in a message after being as intimate with another person as you can be without being together physically?

I can not imagine being so busy that I could not find time to write a short message, even a goodbye you are not the one message. That would be better than being left in silence.

Seduction

I have been seduced by a beautiful man. We have not yet met, at least not physically. We know each other from a previous life where we were lovers. we are not yet sure exactly when this occurred yet we both know it is true.

Lying in my bed being made love to through head phones is a novel experience, one that I recomend to everyone as a precursor to actually doing it together. This way you get to know before hand what sort of things the other person likes to do, and how experienced they are at making love.

Will i meet this person? I think I will and soon, if only to find out if the connection we have now is real and there is any chemistry between us. If there is, then I had better watch out as I will be taken on a ride the like of which I have never known in this lifetime.

New arrivals

This has been a magical day. My new granddaughter was born a 2:02 this afternoon. I was there for the birth and can only say it was amazing. I am totally in love with her and have spent several hours already with her in my arms or on my lap. She is so peaceful.

L was also amazing as she remained calm and in control through the whole process. She knocked on my door at 7 this morning to tell me she was haveing contractions every 10 minutes. We sat in the main room, timing the contractions for an hour or so before having some breakfast. L had decided to wait until there was 5 minutes between before having a bath and then getting to the hospital. And that is basically what happened.

We arrived at the hospital at 12:30 and went to the delivery suite. After being examined, L was found to be 8cm dilated. So it was all go from there. No pain killers, no stitches. She did her bit and listened to the midwife, who was very nice. And now there is a new life here in the house for everyone to adjust to. That will not be hard to do!

Shopping

I spent nearly three hours in Asda this early evening. R and L were doing their monthly shop and asked me to go with them. It was so much fun!!! The supermarket is large and R likes to go up and down every aisle, checking out the bargains. He is the slowest shopper I have ever known. He does find a lot of well priced items thouhg, and if this is the only time he shops in a month I suppose that three hours can be considered not too bad.

The fridge and freezer are now full, whereas before we went they were completely empty. R is happy to have it full up again, as well as the cupboards. Plenty to choose from now!

We had an Indian take away for supper as we didn't get back from the store until after 8pm. the Indian was very nice, hot and spicy. I had too much and had to leave amybe a third. Unusual for me to leave anything. I was just too full to eat any more. I've saved it for lunch tomorrow. Ever the non-waster.

Although I am doing this writing as a challenge, and quite enjoying it at times, D and I were talking about poetry this morning. I have been set a task to write a poem about a toenail. Now how do I approach that? I will have to let it mull in my head for a bit and see what comes out. Should be funny and interesting. I'll post it here when it is written. just to show I did do it.

Another late post

I am getting to be really bad with late postings. Oh well, it is just for me and as long as I remember to do a post when I get up the next morning all is fine. I spent the evening yesterday with my daughter L watching a film with Claude van Damm. L loved him when she was younger so it was a treat for her to see one of his films again. It was very late when I retired (oohh, fancy words now). No excuse for not writing a few words - I just plain forgot!!!

I awoke this morning thinking about D. Unusually for me, I turned the computer on before I got out of bed and lay there while everyhting fired up. I saw a fuzzy orangey coloured message pop up and knew it was a Skype message, even without my glasses on. I wondered who would be calling me that early - 7:30 - and found it was a morning message from D. I sent an answer and whoof, there he was calling me for a chat.

We spent 3 hours talking again. It is amazing that we can find so much to say, and also find that we have so much the same in our lives, right down to both having bad eyesight that was discovered when we started school! We seem to be each others alter-egos. Time will tell, especially when we do met in person. I just hope we hit it off then like we have online. We had some connection problems and ended with a half hour type chat before getting off to make coffee and have showers.

I am not blinkered by all this attention. I am fully aware that D has probably got a few ladies on the go. Now that may be entirely unfair and incorrect, yet I find it hard to see why he would pick only me in his search for a soulmate, or even his twin flame. Time will tell what is to be the outcome of this. I can only say that I am finding a side to me that has been buried for a very long time. She is slowly emerging as a sensual being, with more creativity than I knew was in there. I now have to have some self-talk about being relaxed and myself in a more intimate situation than I have been for a very long time, if ever.

Expectations Take Two

So what do I do now? The person in question from yesterday sent me a lovely email today. In response to the joy that coursed through me, I sent him a link to an article related to the showing of US flag draped coffins being carried off the planes. I was not expecting anything today in return, yet received a request for a talk.


Fast forward a couple of hours when we ended our talk and I am once again smitten. It is a wondrous feeling to think that someone new finds one attractive. Of course I am aware that the flattery is getting to me. I don't ever remember being told I am beautiful before and here is someone telling me that I am. How can I ignore that?

I know that this can all change very quickly especially if we meet in the flesh. I just hope that this lasts for a while longer and I truly hope that I have made a hgood and lasting friend. We have so much in common it is almost like talking to myself sometimes.

This person is special to me now. I can feel him in my bones. He is with me all the time, there in my head, in my vision, in my music. I told him that we should meet and see if the chemistry and synergy is still there. He said he had no doubts it would be. That will be for another day as we will not meet for a while yet.

Even if this all comes to nothing, I am so grateful to have the experience once more of meeting someone special, the developing relationship, the anticipation, the unknown. Feeling our way towards an understanding of each other. I will treasure these days in the years to come.

Expectations

How many times do we put expectations on other people, only to have them let us down? I have been working on not relying on others for my peace or happiness, and today feel I slipped by expecting someone I do not know at all to contact me just because he said he would. How naive am I to even think that it would happen.

I have been reading a psychics reading for my birthdate and time. In there it says I can be a romantic dreamer and get carried away with fantasies. I now know that is so right. I am now pulling myself up and preparing for a return to my usual no nonsense self. I have been feeling like a teenager getting all hot and bothered over a male. Silly me, I now know better.

A day with my daughter

My daughter gave me a coffee in bed this morning which was so nice. A short while later I was chatting on the internet to a friend when she decided it was time for us to get on with some of the chores she had on her to-do list.

As I came out of the shower, I realised she had already started to put up a new bed for her son. The bed had a very tall foot board that looked completely out of place in his bedroom. L decided to cut the excess off the foot board. She took the board off into the garden and started to saw the foot board down. I held the board so she could do the job more easily. We then put the bed up and it looks good.

Then L set to in the dining area to empty some large boxes that were taking up a goodly space. We put a lot of bits out in the crooked shed, and all the board games in the top of B's cupboard. I then put the spinning wheel in the corner of the dining area where it looks really nice. A vcuum round and floor wash completed that part of the list.

My daughter is lovely and I think she needed to get these jobs completed before the baby is born so she didn't have to worry about them after. Plus clearing out the dining room means there is plenty of room for the pram in there.

Oh the joy of moving into a new home and preparing for a new addition to the family.

New friends

Yesterday evening I spent nearly 4 hours talking with a man named D who I have not met. We initially made contact through Tagged. I have never given my Skype ID to anyone like that and was very unsure about even talking for a few minutes.

In the end we had our web cams on and chatted about many things. We talked about music and playing, singing, PTSD and the effect it has on families, reiki, spirituality, twin-mates as opposed to soul-mates, our families, extracts from our lives. It was amazing. D even got into bed and talked from there.

So now I have to decide whether I want to carry this on into a friendship. We have a lot in common, a lot of synergy through our life experiences. I was open and honest with him regarding my personal situation at the moment as I did not see any point in being any other way. I got the impression that he is keen to be friends and maybe more if there is any chemistry between us when we eventually met, which I think is likely. Meeting I mean. So I will wait and see what transpires from now on.

He did send me a tag of two people lying together in an intimate way but I don't know if he sent that before or after we talked. Would it make any difference? Yes, as if it was sent after our talk I would think he likes me a lot. And that has an effect on how I take this forward, if I do.

Back in England

So I missed three nights posts in the end when I only said two. I had a longer journey than I had imagined it would be. My first flight to Newark was cancelled and I was given a flight 4 hours later to Kennedy airport where I would connect with a Delta flight to London at 8:55 pm to arrive in London at 9:15 the following morning. This was only a couple of hours later than my original plan so seemed fine.

In the end, the flight to Kennedy was delayed by two and a half hours. There were apparently many delayed flights coming and going at Kennedy so everyone on board who had a connenction was told their flights would be leaving late so not to worry. Well, we arrived at 9:25 and when I ran to my gate I found that the London flight had left on time. Back at the Delta desk I met up with four other travellors from the late flight whose connections had gone.

After an hour wait to get to the desk as many passengers had missed flights, I was given a seat on the next flight to London - at 8:55am to arrive at 9:15 in the evening. So that meant a nights wait at Kennedy airport. Fortunately, I met up with a nice young man who also had to wait until 9 the next morning. We chatted for a bit, then wandered off to Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee. We found seats next to a phone charging pole to sit. Another lady with a young son, about 3 years old who had also been on our original flight, had to wait until the following afternoon for her flight. She settled her son down with a DVD player and Cars to watch. Once he drifted off to sleep, she was able to rest.

I tried to sleep a bit, but found it impossible. I needed to call L to let her know what was happening but had to wait until 3am so it would be 8 here in the UK. I told her when I was to arrive at Heathrow and asked her to check the time of the last train to Colchester where R would pick me up. I did lay down on the floor for an hour after that. No sleep, just resting.

After getting an egg and cheese bagel with a coffee at 5:30am, I had to wait until 7am for the duty free to open so I could buy some cigarettes and a bottle of vodka. Then I wandered around until it was time to use the bathroom and the call went out to board the plane. From then on everything went smoothly.

The service and food on the Delta flight were both excellent. I managed to get 3 hours sleep after lunch, and dozed a bit more as well. We landed on time, when I called L while we taxied to the departure gate. It took 20 minutes from the time I left the plane until I was on the underground leaving the terminal. The whole departure area was empty. This was the only flight landed at that time so it was easy to go through passport control, wait a few minutes for baggage, and walk through an unmanned customs.

I got to Liverpool Street with 10 minutes to go before the train left. Just time to buy my ticket, get settled into a seat and call home to tell R what time I would be at Colchester which was 12:15. By the time we got to the house after having to find a 24 hour petrol station it was 1 am.

I got to bed at 3 am and slept until after 1 that afternoon. I had a wonderful hot and strong shower and relaxed for the rest of the day. After a second night of sleep I felt alive again.

On Sunday L and r went out so I had the house to myself from 12 onwards. I managed to unpack most of the boxes in my room which I was happy to get done. I now have 3 bags of clothes left to sort and hang.

So, I am happy to be back in England and with my family again. I just have to make sure circumstances are such that I stay here for at least the next year if not longer.

Late again

Oops, I missed last night - again. This is not good enough!!

I needed to write as I am leaving today to return to England , so I will not be around tonight for an update. This is my notice. I might also miss Friday's post too. I will be so tired when I arrive at L's house that I can see me being in bed very early.

It's raining this morning, so I have not been snowed in, which was one of my fears about flying in February.

So, goodbye for now. ee you Saturday.

Friends - real and virtual

Real friends are there for you when you need them. They encourage you in whatever you decide to do. They miss you when you go away. They share laughter, dreams, tears, tales.

Virtual friends can do the same. The difference is they are not there with you to give a hug, or offer a tissue. Virtual friends can give a virtual hug, which feels nice in your imagination and can be comforting. But if you are really in dire straits, a real friend can be a lifeline, steering you towards a harbour where you can collect your strength to keep going.

Weaving done

I finished the weaving this morning and removed from the loom. I have enough yarn left on the shuttle to make a ball to take with me for crocheting round the edge when I make my poncho. It will have to wait until I get back to England now.

I had kept enough if the silk thread to warp a 3 inch scarf. I dedcided to warp a 3 inch scarf with red chenille and use the silk for the weft. What a good choice! I have woven the scarf this afternoon and evening (in between doing chores, going to the store, making tea, washing up). I have finished it , taken it off the loom and packed the loom away ready to give to S tomorrw when she comes over.

S and are coming round for supper. I'm hoping S will bring her violin so we can have a last usic session before I leave. I'm sure she will, as she loves playing as much as I do. I will be making a thick lentil soup, fresh bread and gingerbread for supper and S will bring something nice too.

I changed the bedding today so that's done for L. I have also left about 8 loaves of bread in the freezer, along with lots of cooked meats. He should be OK food wise for a while!